Hi folx! If you read Ask Allison #1, you know this is a space where I post questions asked to me anonymously and answer them. Thanks to those of you who've asked me questions this week!
Dear Allison,
Recently, my partner and I have been trying some new things in the bedroom, and she seems really into them, but I don’t feel like the new stuff is doing as much for me as what we did before. More specifically, she’s really into tying me up and I just don’t feel safe doing that, plus it’s not really a turn-on for me. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Not So Knotty
Dear Not So Knotty,
It sounds like you and your partner have some mismatched kinks and/or desires, which is certainly not a bad thing. I admire your willingness to try new things, though, and I implore you to continue with that!
When trying new things, it’s important to remember a few things:
1. Communication
Since every person is so unique with their desires, it’s highly likely that you and your partner want some different things during sex, and that’s totally OK! When communicating, be sure to stay open-minded and listen to your partner as well as express your desires in ways that make you and your partner feel safe. For example, it’ll probably go over much better if you say “I’d really be into trying this. What do you think?” instead of “Let’s try this because I want to.” This way, you’re both equally in control of what happens next. Just remember that if they say “no, thanks”, they aren’t saying “no, thanks” to you as a person - it might just require some more discussion.
2. Consent
As with anything, make sure you have an enthusiastic, verbal, sober “yes” from your partner (and from yourself!) before trying new things. You can even make a consent form for you both to fill out that clearly outlines what you are and are not willing to do on paper if any questions arise in the future. Note that you can change the document at any time to reflect your feelings and it is NOT legally binding unless you hire a lawyer.
3. Safe words
Establishing a clear exit strategy can be the make-or-break moment for someone feeling a little unsure about trying new things. Make sure to communicate all safe words and gestures before anything happens and do it clearly so there aren’t any miscommunications. These can be a system like “red, yellow, or green lights”, red being stop immediately, yellow being you’re unsure but keep going, and green being a full-on “this is AWESOME!!”. Make them personal to you and have fun with it!
If you feel you just aren’t into what your partner is into, it’s probably time to have a discussion with her to see what is negotiable, how she can fill desires you might not want to be a part of if she needs that, and how you can continue to be satisfied with your sex life in the process of all of this. Keep in mind that sex is usually a two-way street, and for it to be wonderful, amazing, etc., all parties should feel respected, listened to, and satisfied, which can take some work. If you’re prepared for that, then jump in and live your best life, exploring all kinds of different things!
As a side note, if you’re feeling unsure about how to get into trying kinky things, check out my upcoming workshop, BDSM 101. You can find it on my website under the “Workshops” tab, or just save the date:
August 22nd, 2024, 6-8pm
Mystique Lingerie
2700 S College Ave, Fort Collins, CO, 80525
I hope this helps you discover more about your partner and about yourself! This is a journey for all of us and I hope you’re enjoying yours so far. Good luck!
Sincerely,
Allison
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