Hi folx! If you read Ask Allison #1, you know this is a space where I post questions asked to me anonymously and answer them. Thanks to those of you who've asked me questions this week!
Dear Allison,
I love fantasizing about forced sex, but I’m not sure that I would ever really want that in real life. Is it weird that it really turns me on to think about someone having sex with me without my consent? I’m not pro r*pe or sexual harassment by any means - I just think the idea of someone taking advantage of me is hot. Help?
Sincerely,
Fantasizing Fanatic
Dear Fantasizing Fanatic,
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: unless something hurts (and you don’t want it to) or you feel unsafe, everything is perfectly, 100% normal!
In fact, if you identify as a woman, you’re so normal that you fall into the 62%-ish category of people who enjoy fantasizing about forced sex! And if you identify as a man, you’re normal too - about 54% of men fantasize about forced sex, according to a study done by Justin Lehmiller. If you identify as non-binary, 68% of this population ALSO said they fantasize about forced sex! So basically, however you identify, there’s a pretty good chance you’re in good company with your fantasies.
Fantasizing about something doesn’t necessarily mean you’d like it to play out in real life, either. Emily Nagoski talks about this in her book, Come As You Are, and makes a point about how it’s totally normal to have desires we’d never want to be a real situation in our lives and that’s actually part of the appeal of a fantasy itself. And, in some cases, you DO want it to play out! This doesn’t mean you want to find yourself being taken advantage of by someone WITHOUT your consent - but it can mean that. And it can mean that you want to role play a scenario with someone you trust and make sure you’ve established your good boundaries and safe words and establish that, in this specific case, “No” might not mean “Stop” and that’s totally OK, as long as everyone HAS consented to the rules.
And just because you have these fantasies doesn’t mean you’re pro sexual harassment by any stretch whatsoever. Just to be super ultra mega transparent on that.
All in all, you’re totally normal, no matter what you’re fantasizing about. As long as it’s not harming yourself or others and everyone has gotten and given consent, fantasize (and/or let your ideas play out in real life!) to your heart’s content!
Go forth and stay sexy!
~Allison
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