Hi folx! If you read Ask Allison #1, you know this is a space where I post questions asked to me anonymously and answer them. Thanks to those of you who've asked me questions this week!
Dear Allison,
What is the orgasm gap? How do people know if they actually * can't * orgasm? How many orgasms are normal for a person? Why does the orgasm gap exist?
Sincerely,
Or-grasping for Answers
Dear Or-grasping for Answers,
So many really good, really important questions! Thanks for bringing them to my attention! I'll answer each one individually, since they have heftier answers.
What is the orgasm gap?
Essentially, the orgasm gap is the term we use to describe the discrepancy between orgasmic satisfaction (usually in terms of times a person orgasms) in people with vulvas and people with penises. Historically, and typically, it goes like this:*
-People with vulvas having sex** with people with penises are less orgasmically satisfied and tend to report less than one orgasm during a sexual encounter with people with penises.
-People with vulvas having sex with people with vulvas tend to report a smaller orgasm gap and tend to feel more orgasmically satisfied.
-People with penises having sex with people with penises report the lowest orgasm gap of all of the categories and tend to feel very orgasmically satisfied.
*Please note that this is a generalization and it does not reflect every individual's experience. Many people have very happy sex lives and feel orgasmically fulfilled!
**Having sex can include any form of sexual intimacy, not just penetration.
Things that perpetuate the orgasm gap are:
-Not communicating with your partner(s) about what they want
-Not communicating with your partner(s) about what you want
-Not knowing what you want (and therefore not knowing how to communicate with your partner(s))
Things you can do to close the orgasm gap:
-Talk to your partner(s)!
-Spend some time with yourself and really get clear on what you like, don't like, and how you orgasm, not to be confused with what makes you orgasm, though that's a good thing to know, too!
How do people know if they * can't * orgasm?
Like with many physiological questions, there's a lot we don't know yet. And there's a lot of research we have yet to perfect. Especially with the tools we use to conduct said research. To answer this question, I'll talk about studies that have been done but aren't perfect, so take it with a grain of salt.
First, let's define "orgasm" clinically. The clinical definition is the rapid contracting and/or pulsing of the pelvic floor muscles. There are 4 clinical types of orgasm that I use here:
-Clitoral
-Vaginal
-Cervical (of the cervix, not the spine)
-Penile
It's important to note that ejaculation (female, e.g. squirting, and male, e.g. semen) do not necessarily mean an orgasm has occurred. There are potentially hundreds if not more types of non-clinical orgasms, such as "sensational" (meaning of sensation, like touching the arm or earlobe, etc.), mental, and more. For the purposes of answering your question, we'll stick to the clinical ones for now.
Anorgasmia, the inability to physiologically orgasm, occurs in about 5% of people with vulvas. It can also occur in people with penises, but it is much more rare. Technically speaking, it's "normal" - normal, as I use that word, is anything that doesn't hurt or make you feel unsafe - and doesn't have any effect on the body whatsoever. It's pretty obvious, at least physiologically-speaking, if someone has an orgasm. In a clinical, research setting, small probes are inserted into the vagina to measure things like body temperature, cervical mucus production, blood flow, and muscle contractions. For vaginal, clitoral, and cervical orgasms, it's "easy" to see these recorded on a screen. With nodes attached to the head, you can also see changes in brain waves and chemistry during orgasm. But it can be difficult to tell if you either are or are not having one if you aren't hooked up to something that looks like The Machine in the Pit of Despair from The Princess Bride. My advice?
-Get in touch with yourself! Literally! Be very mindful as you do solo play or when you're with a partner and notice how your body responds to different stimuli.
-Don't pressure yourself to have an orgasm, or even to try to have one. Just spend time exploring and nurturing your sexual self. If it happens, great! If not, no worries. If it never happens, it's up to you to either keep trying or potentially seek out more research or doctors who could potentially look into an anorgasmia "diagnosis" for you. Just remeber through it all that YOU. ARE. NORMAL!!! :)
One thing to note here is that people with vulvas are typically socially raised to believe their orgasm isn't as important as people with penises. It can be difficult to put you or your partner(s) first when this is the societal norm, but push through that and you might discover more pleasure than you ever thought possible!
While it is true that the orgasm shouldn't always be the focus of your sexual experience, it does deserve some care and attention sometimes. Spend time learning about your sexual self and find the pleasure you've been missing out on!
How many orgasms are normal for one person?
This depends entirely on the person! I've had clients who love to have multiple orgasms, or even sequential orgasms, or many orgasms throughout the day. I've also had clients who are so super good with one or even less than one, depending on how they're feeling or how their day is going. I've said it before and I'll say it again: YOU. ARE. NORMAL. No matter how many (or how few) orgasms you have.
Why does the orgasm gap exist?
So, I kind of answered this in the first bit. But it's worth restating. The orgasm gap exists largely because partners usually don't communicate to the fullest extent possible for maximum pleasure and adequate satisfaction. If everyone said things like "I'd really like an orgasm, but I want it before we have penetrative sex so I can feel really warmed up.", the gap would significantly decrease. Next time you're with a partner, try having these types of conversations with them before you get to the bedroom if you can. And if you find yourself already between the sheets, it won't be a "mood killer" to briefly talk about your wants. If anything, it'll turn all of you on even more!
Thank you for your insightful questions! I know this was a lot of info, but you made it through! And hopefully you learned a little something about the orgasm gap and anorgasmia along the way. As always, please reach out to a doctor if you're experiencing any pain or feeling unsafe in any way and stay sexy!!
~Allison
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